


Records With Sirius Black

by Kattlupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A bit of a dick Sirius Black, I have nothing against queen, M/M, Pining Remus Lupin, a decent amount of drinking, a song fic about wolfstar, and it’s also a song fic, and questionable use of the song Swamp Thing, because, but really he’s just a dumbass, feel free to fight me on it, i just don’t believe that Sirius or Remus cares much for them, idiots to lovers, lets see, nothing graphic, other things you should know, playlist included, that mercifully contains ZERO queen, thats the trope, theres some vague smut, this is after all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-18 16:44:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21780601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattlupin/pseuds/Kattlupin
Summary: For years, Remus has managed to keep his love for Sirius under control, comfortable in the fact that it will never be requited. Until they move in together and Sirius starts speaking to Remus through their shared love of music. Maybe things aren’t as hopeless for Remus as he thought...
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 35
Kudos: 157





	1. Gimme Danger

**Author's Note:**

> Though this fic is interactive with music, you can skip the songs if you’d like.

Remus stands with the final box of his meager belongings in hand as the door shuts with a soft click behind him. He places it atop the small stack of boxes that he, with the help of Sirius, had already carried in. This small stack looks entirely out of place amongst Sirius's things and he hasn't even unpacked them yet. 

Looking around, seeing the mishmash of expensive furniture- half of which Sirius bought on his own, the other half filled in by either Alphard’s or Andromeda’s vast collections- Remus feels inadequate in a way he hasn’t felt since he first met Sirius. How was he, and his second-hand assortment of necessities, ever going to truly fit into Sirius’s life? 

When James announced he was moving out and moving in with Lily, Remus had assumed that Sirius would happily embrace living solo. After all, he didn't need help paying the rent- that was taken care of by the trust fund his uncle put in his name after his disownment- and even without the trust, Sirius’s salary at the record label that employed him was more than ample. So when Sirius approached Remus to fill the empty void that James was leaving in Sirius’s flat and in his life, Remus was caught a bit by surprise. 

“Sirius, no, I can't afford to live with you,” Remus had tried to argue, knowing full well that half the rent on Sirius’s flat was equal to if not more than what Remus even made in a month. 

“Don’t worry about affording it. I wasn’t going to charge you rent anyway.” 

“Sirius, I can’t accept that. I have to pay my own way.”

“Fine, if you want, you can give me what you pay a month for that shithole you currently live in.”

Remus had hated his flat, if you could even call it that. It was one room with a bathroom that was no bigger than a closet. In fact, you could fit Remus’s entire flat into the bedroom he was moving into and still have room for the furniture James left behind for him. And so it was, Remus reluctantly agreed to move in with Sirius. 

Pride aside, there were advantages to moving in with Sirius. One, it was closer to both Remus’s job at the library and the university where Remus was finishing up his Master's degree in Linguistics. Two, Sirius was indeed his very best friend and Remus had missed living with him over the years since their graduation from boarding school- where the two, along with James and Peter, were dormmates. 

The bigger issue Remus was having with this entire living arrangement, was that he was hopelessly in love with Sirius. Remus couldn't tell you when his love for Sirius began. A part of him is convinced it had always been there. Sirius, from the moment they'd met, had been enigmatic, alluring, fascinating and everything Remus was not. At eleven, Remus was quiet, unassuming and nervous, being one of only a handful of scholarship kids that were starting school that year. Sirius hadn't hesitated to take Remus under his wing, introduce him around, make him feel like the rest of the kids despite his background. 

But being Remus’s friend unconditionally was far different than loving Remus in the way that Remus longed to be loved by Sirius. Living together was only going to make that longing worse. And though Remus was adept at hiding his feelings, he was sure that being in such close proximity to Sirius every day was bound to push Remus to his breaking point. 

“Is that it then?” Sirius asks entering the room and walking to the record player. Sirius runs a finger over the meticulously organized record collection, the only thing Sirius has ever bothered to organize and plucks out whichever album it is that he is looking for. 

“That’s it,” Remus sighs, stepping away from the stack of his things just as the beginning notes of [Gimme Danger](https://open.spotify.com/track/0yOcVe3GzHnKT2bdlVb8jR?si=TnH765J0Rd2PaAi35W75hQ) begin to play. 

Sirius turns around with a wicked grin on his face and begins to remove his slightly sweat-soaked shirt. It's at this moment that Remus knows for sure that this was a horrible idea and he is good and royally fucked. 


	2. Sanctuary

It didn’t take long for Remus and Sirius to slip into comfortable cohabitation with each other again, even if it had been four years since they last lived together. The ease at which they always moved around one another in the dorm had never left them. Sirius was still an early riser, someone who could jump out of bed and instantly be ready for whatever the day had in store. And Remus, being someone who hated mornings and never quite felt himself until halfway through his second cup of tea, still ever so slightly resented him for it. But just like when they were in school together, that wasn’t enough to cause any sort of rift between them. If anything, it was one of those little quirks that brought them closer together.

During their years at school, Sirius had taken to prepping Remus’s tea and breakfast, which was an absolute godsend at the time, as Remus was prone to running into the Great Hall with only minutes to spare before the morning bell would ring, signaling the start of the day's classes. It was a habit that Sirius had slipped back into in the few weeks that Remus has been living in the flat. 

“Fuck,” Remus says under his breath, catching a glimpse of the time while pulling his tan jumper over his head. He needs to leave soon if he wants to make it to his Philosophy of Language class before today's lecture begins and being someone who prefers to move through life unnoticed, he’d rather not walk in late in front of everyone. 

He can hear Sirius moving about in the living room, and he doesn’t need to be out there to know what he’s doing or what he looks like. Sirius is moving towards the record player, dressed in a pair of most likely black skinny jeans that hug his ass perfectly, a black or grey v-neck shirt that shows the right amount of chest to make Remus stare for a beat too long and his hair artfully pulled back into a haphazard bun at the crown of his head. In a matter of seconds, Remus will hear the beginning notes of whatever song it is that Sirius has chosen to set the tone for their respective days.

Remus quickly ties his shoes and throws his shoulder bag over and across his body, just in time to hear the familiar guitar riff of [She Sells Sanctuary, ](https://open.spotify.com/track/66glXjjFvlS5r1gDUK4ugq?si=wlJu5KLURGytJ03pyvFJ3g) one of Sirius’s favorite songs.

Truth be told, it’s one of Remus’s favorites as well, but not for the same reasons that Sirius loves it. For Remus, the reason why he loves this song is the way that Sirius bobs his head to the music and dances through the flat, joining in occasionally to sing along where he pleases, which changes with each listen. 

Remus, despite himself, begins nodding his head to the music, which neighbors be damned, is being played at full volume. A smile tugs at his lips and his eyes open wider in a renewed eagerness to start his day, though it has less to do with his classes now than it did before. He feels an even larger pull calling him out of his bedroom. That pull being Sirius in the living room and the breakfast that will be waiting for him on the table in the kitchen.

Just as Remus knew he’d find him, Sirius is dancing his way across the flat, giving Remus an exuberant grin and handing him a warm mug of tea as he passes him by singing loudly. “ _ The sparkle in your eyes, keeps me alive. And the sparkle in your eyes, keeps me alive, keeps me alive. _ ” 

Remus’s cheeks traitorously begin to flush pink at Sirius’s singing. Sirius is turned to face him walking backward, his shoulders and hips moving to the rhythm of the music, his grey eyes never straying from Remus’s gold ones. Deep down Remus knows that Sirius is just singing to the music, but the part of him that has been pining for his friend since at least fifth year unabashedly wants to believe that there is more to the gesture. 


	3. Lullaby

Since Remus had been living with his feelings for Sirius for so long at this point, pretending that they didn’t exist now that he and Sirius were living together was relatively easy. He just needed to set himself some simple parameters to live by. 

To start, he was not under any circumstances allowed to give voice to his feelings. Even speaking them when alone in his bedroom too often would just lead to him accidentally voicing them aloud to others. Secondly, when things become too intense, a luxuriously long shower and wank in the flats extravagant bathroom was a great way to relieve some of the tension. And finally, a pair of noise cancelling headphones was a necessity if Remus was going to survive Sirius’s dating life.

Those headphones were currently Remus’s saving grace. When Remus heard the high pitched giggling that accompanied Sirius as he entered the flat just before midnight, Remus slipped them on and reached over to the outdated stereo that he owned and only used on these occasions. He pressed play and let [Lullaby ](https://open.spotify.com/track/4d4oXk7O2lEhZ83ivV93li?si=gRf1cVNGSGi8hEIuiNNiHA) by  _ The Cure _ , attempt to soothe him to sleep.

Remus knew those giggles well, though he’d never seen the face to whom they belonged to. He was pretty sure her name was Mary and Remus much prefered the giggles of Mary over the deep moans of Benjy. At least with Mary, Remus wasn’t met with any false hope that it could be him sharing Sirius’s bed for the night.

It’s not that Remus wasn’t happy for Sirius - who was clearly enjoying his very active dating life. A part of Remus wanted that for himself as well, but maybe not quite as active. The problem Remus has always faced when dating though, is that no one holds a candle to Sirius. Sirius who shines like the star he is named for, always standing out in every crowd. Remus is more like the moon. He has his moments of being full and commanding, but most of the time he is trying to hide parts of himself, showing only a sliver of his full self. Life is just easier that way for Remus, to live partially shadowed and rarely showing his fullness. 

It was, after all, how he’d gotten the nickname Moony. Being someone who was content in hiding his thoughts and feelings from everyone, Remus was prone to bouts of solitude and inward thinking. Moments that always made him appear to be mulling and mooning over something. And right now, that something he was mooning over was Sirius.


	4. Under the Milky Way

The following morning, Remus waits until he hears the telltale sounds of Sirius messing about in the kitchen before he begins to pull himself out of bed. Sirius, unbeknownst to himself, mercifully always ushers his houseguests out before he even puts on the kettle. Remus knows that the sound of the kettle whistling is his cue, not only that it’s safe for him to exit his bedroom but also that Sirius will be just about done preparing breakfast for the both of them. Remus does find it somewhat strange though that Sirius will put forth this extra effort for Remus, instead of the person that he shared his bed with the night before.

“Good morning Moony,” Sirius greets as Remus shuffles past him still half asleep, moving from his bedroom to the plush leather sofa in the living room.

“Morning Sirius,” Remus mumbles through a yawn. He sits in the corner of the sofa, his knees bent so he can tuck his bare feet underneath him. Sirius hands him a warm mug of tea, an expensive black blend that has notes of chocolate in it and a splash of milk to make it creamy. Remus takes a sip and hums in contentment as he swallows. 

Sirius places a plate of scones down on the coffee table along with a mug of the same tea for himself, but before he sits down, he moves to the record player and places the needle down, the melodic opening notes of [Under the Milky Way ](https://open.spotify.com/track/1RCtHLyq1xIbgGMrYRrKJ2?si=GZOiwz_ITdGfFctgDLjerg) fills the space. 

Sirius stretches his arms up above him, his loose black tee shirt lifting with his arms to reveal a few inches of his lower torso. The sweats he’s wearing aren’t helping the situation, as they are hanging dangerously low and loose off of his hips. Remus tries not to stare. 

“Sorry if I woke you up last night,” Sirius says, sitting himself down on the other end of the sofa. He sits up against the backrest and bends his knees to bring his feet onto the couch as well, but he’s turned to face towards Remus, looking at him inquisitively over his mug as he takes a sip. “When was the last time you went out with anyone?”

“Oh,” Remus says, he takes a sip of his tea to stall and think of an answer. “I guess Fabian was the last.”

“Fabian! Remus, you guys broke up two years ago. You can’t still be hung up on him?”

“No, it’s not that,” Remus says emphatically, not wanting to tell Sirius that  _ he’s _ the reason why he hasn’t dated anyone in two years. Fabian was supposed to be the one to free Remus from his longing for Sirius. Everybody liked Fabian, he was intelligent and good looking, he had a proper job and similar humble upbringings to Remus that didn’t make him feel perpetually out of place. But even with all that Remus wasn’t able to completely shake Sirius from his heart. And Fabian wasn’t stupid, he felt that Remus wasn’t giving himself completelely to their relationship, and so he ended it before it could really even get started.

“Well, if you’re not still hung up on Fabian, what is it?”

Remus shrugs his shoulders and sighs, then brings the mug back to his lips.

“Not good enough, Remus. We’re going out tonight.”


	5. How Soon is Now?

Outside of nights out with all of his friends, Remus has purposefully avoided going out with Sirius alone. The risk of having to sit back and watch him have endless luck with whomever he sets his steel-grey eyes on that night was too high and came with absolutely zero rewards for Remus. And so it was, he reluctantly agreed to go to Transfiguration, Sirius’s favorite gay club, conveiniently located down the street. Remus was suspicious that its close proximity was why it was Sirius’s favorite, as he could pull, bring someone home and send them on their way before breakfast the following morning, without feeling much remorse. 

This type of suspicion was one of those things that made Remus question why he was in love with Sirius in the first place. Surely if he ever did get his wish, and found himself being the one Sirius shared his bed with for the night, he’d break Remus’s heart instead of inviting him back again day after day like Remus so desperately wanted. Nothing about Sirius says relationship type. Hell, he makes Remus breakfast, not his dates. But all of those worries were quickly shoved to the side when he locks eyes with Sirius, watching him as he steps away from the jukebox, **[How Soon is Now?](https://open.spotify.com/track/1YrnDTqvcnUKxAIeXyaEmU?si=7Lclq2DxREyUWVbto521eA)** beginning to play over the sound system. 

Remus knows this song well, as Sirius in the days after being disowned by his family for being different and going against the grain, had played it on an endless melancholic loop for days. By day four, James was at his wit’s end and Peter was out of his element, but Remus knew just how Sirius must have been feeling. The two had sat together and listened on repeat. Looking back, Remus thinks that it was during that time that he really realized how hard he had fallen for Sirius.

“Playing your own theme song tonight?” Remus cheekily questions Sirius when he arrives back at their table with two more drinks in hand. “Bit bold of you, don’t you think?”

“Oh, you think this is my song, huh?” 

“Well, you were the one who played it for days on end.”

“And you were there for it,” Sirius says fondly, staring intently into Remus’s eyes as he drinks from his beer. Remus feels the familiar warmth that he associates with Sirius bloom through his body. “You really were the only reason I got through that, you know.”

Remus blushes and averts his eyes. He knows it’s just the alcohol talking. Sirius has always been prone to sentimentalism when just on the other side of tipsy. Remus reaches for Sirius’s drink and pulls it out of his hand. “I think you’ve had enough.”

Sirius grabs it back and stares Remus in the eyes as he downs the rest of it. “I haven’t had even close to enough yet. And neither have you. Drink up Lupin.” 

Remus maintains his eye contact with Sirius as he drinks his beer. He sees something in Sirius’s eyes, something he never sees pointed in his direction. Lust. Remus swallows thickly. 

Sirius licks his lips. “I think it’s time for you and me to have a dance.”


	6. Lips Like Sugar

Dancing with Sirius Black is much like everything else with Sirius. He’s commanding of attention and in total control. Remus wouldn’t be able to get away even if he wanted to. Even if he listened to the part of his brain that continued to tell him this was a very bad idea. However, Remus - or maybe Sirius - knew how to shut that part of his brain off. The switch being copious amounts of whiskey, which the two of them have been partaking in, fueling them to stay on the dance floor far into the night.

Remus and Sirius are downing yet another round when the music changes again and Remus is beginning to think that Sirius must have put enough coins in to play the whole night away. The grin on Sirius’s face is devilish when [Lips Like Sugar ](https://open.spotify.com/track/3Oa8vnNXStoOHLbJwwMEDP?si=AkU169YgQGiN8DW4AqQNmg) fills the air.

He grabs the empty shot glass out of Remus’s hand, places it on the bar and pulls Remus back onto the dance floor by his hips. The way that Sirius’s larger hands move to grip at Remus’s waist, then his back and then his ass, makes Remus completely forget that the entire purpose of them going out tonight was because Sirius wanted to help Remus find someone. And Remus highly doubts that the someone was meant to be Sirius. But by the way that Sirius is acting, the flirting, the dancing, the constant steel-eyed gaze seeing all the way through to Remus’s hidden desires, well Remus isn’t entirely sure anymore if Sirius didn’t bring him out tonight because he had other intentions for him.

The way that Sirius is moving the two of them together, his hands firm and wanting, taking everything they crave from Remus. Remus, who has been holding on for far too long, has been wanting and dreaming and wishing to be the man on the underside of Sirius’s palms, is losing all of his sensibility. Sirius spins him around, bringing Remus’s back to his chest, the rounds of Remus’s ass to meet the front of his trousers, and Remus is met with the feel of Sirius’s hard cock pressing against the fabric. Sirius keeps one hand on Remus’s narrow hips, the other snakes up his torso and finds Remus’s chin. He turns Remus’s face to the side and brings their lips together. 

Remus can only moan into the kiss. Moan into the way their hips are moving together. Moan into the way that Sirius is desiring him for a change. 

With their lips still connected, Sirius spins Remus around again. He grabs both of Remus’s cheeks between his hands and kisses him deeper. Kisses him like he dances. Commanding, taking, wanting and greedy. And Remus, at this moment, is beyond happy to comply.


	7. I Feel You

Remus and Sirius stumble back into their flat and Remus wonders how they managed the journey back home still attached at the lips. It’s such an improbable thing that Remus is almost convinced it isn’t happening, until Sirius’s body presses him up against the door as it closes shut, and the cold jolt of the hardwood against his bare lower back from where his shirt is being lifted brings him fully into the present. He gasps and winds his fingers through Sirius’s hair, pulling the strands taught like he’s holding on for dear life. Which maybe he is. He’s loved Sirius for so long at this point, that the idea of Sirius wanting him right now, even if it is  _ only for right now _ , is enough to make him feel like he is losing his footing on the ground of reality. 

Sirius pulls away panting from Remus’s lips and eyes him hungrily. Remus swallows thickly. He knows he’s in trouble, but it’s trouble he’s wanted, craved and fantasized about. Sirius grabs him by the hips and leads him into Sirius’s bedroom, walking backward and keeping his steel-eyed gaze locked on Remus the whole way, just as he’d done when they were dancing. 

Once in the bedroom, Sirius lets go of Remus only long enough to turn on the stereo in his bedroom. Remus never even knew it was there. He’d never heard Sirius play music from his room, not even when he would bring his dates home for the night to do precisely what the two of them were doing now. And this fact, makes Remus feel special. It dawns on him that sharing music is something that has been kept between the two of them alone. Sirius locks their lips back together the moment [I Feel You](https://open.spotify.com/track/1Ob57NqUydp5cC3FCNV4Gy?si=GpVLAv0KRemJR787bpT7BA) begins to play. 

Sirius, as he does with everything, takes complete control. Remus can feel every bit of Sirius against him. His hands move quickly to tug and pull at Remus’s clothes, making short work of removing them. Sirius kisses, sucks and licks at every new area as it’s revealed, maintaining that hungry look whenever he catches Remus’s gaze, causing Remus’s breath to hitch every time. Remus is down to just his briefs before Sirius begins removing his clothes. 

In all the years that the two have shared space, even in their youth, Remus had always resisted the urge to peer at Sirius fully nude, knowing that if he got a glimpse, his ability to resist the temptation would be greatly diminished. He was right to resist that temptation. Sirius is fit and defined and an absolute masterpiece of a human being and Remus suddenly wants to cover himself. The old faded scars of the accident from his youth seem to stand out even starker on his skin when held in such close comparison to Sirius’s perfection.

“Don’t,” Sirius says, his voice low and husky, his hands grabbing at Remus’s wrists, pulling his arms away from his body as they attempt to cover himself. Sirius pins them above his head into the mattress with one hand, his other removes the last bit that’s left of Remus’s clothes. Remus spreads his legs and Sirius falls between them, one hand still holding Remus’s arms above him, the other cups Remus’s cheek and holds him steady as he brings their lips back together. 

With the press of his lips, Remus lets go, giving himself completely over to the whims of Sirius. Overwhelming pleasure washes over Remus as the two begin to rut together, letting the beat of the music dictate their rhythm. Remus tries to commit everything to memory. The weight of Sirius above him. The firm grasp Sirius has on his hands. The way Sirius’s barely there scruff scratches at his chin and lips as they kiss continuously. The feel of their cocks firm and together. The sound of Sirius’s voice as Remus cums to Sirius moaning his name. 


	8. Strange Kind of Love

When Remus wakes the following morning, he isn’t quite sure what to expect. They’d moved together so perfectly the night before, every moment of it intense and overwhelmingly satisfying. He’d fallen asleep in Sirius’s arms, the press of Sirius’s lips against the nape of his neck being the last thing he remembers. Whether it was because he was finally perfectly sated or just the feeling of Sirius’s warm naked body against his own or the combination of both, Remus couldn’t be sure, but he’d had the best night of sleep he’d had in years. Similar to the ones he’d had back in school when Sirius would curl up beside him in the middle of the night when thoughts of Sirius’s troubles at home would keep Sirius’s mind spinning and restless. 

Remus had slept so soundly, he didn’t even register when Sirius must have gotten out of bed. Not realizing it until a crack of light streams through the curtains in the bedroom, shining brightly across Remus’s face and rousing him from his sleep. When he rolls over to shield his eyes from it, he expects to find Sirius beside him. When he’s met with nothing but cold sheets and an extra pillow, he feels a hollowness threaten to open within him. 

He checks the time. 10:28. Sirius has probably been up for at least an hour. Remus takes a deep breath. He can smell food in the air, though there’s no sound of Sirius moving about the kitchen. Remus pulls himself out of bed and puts his briefs and last night’s shirt back on, forgoing his trousers, as having fabric tight against his thighs right now doesn’t seem appealing. And besides, he and Sirius had just shed everything the night before, surely there’s no harm in wandering throughout the flat without the cumbersome nature of the extra garment. 

Remus steps out of Sirius’s bedroom. There’s no sign of him in the flat and the only sound that Remus hears is the humming of the turntable spinning endlessly producing no music. He walks to the stereo and places the needle down, curious as to what Sirius must have been listening to quietly this morning. He looks at the record, reading it as it spins and listens as the melodic notes of [A Strange Kind of Love](https://open.spotify.com/track/2vInkApeMMPyaMHD2PSp6J?si=gePi2mKMTza4J0vilXj7eA) __ fills the space.

Remus closes his eyes. Sirius speaks through music. Not that he meant for Remus to hear  _ this  _ specifically. 

With the music playing, he opens his eyes and looks around and sees his usual mug on the table. There’s tea inside, prepared how he likes it, but it’s gone cold. Beside it is a small plate of food, sliced fruit and a few strips of long ago cooled bacon. Remus picks at it and wonders where Sirius ran off to. His absence leaving Remus unsure of how to feel.

Remus sits with his cold cup of tea, his knees touching his chest. He’d finally experienced what he wanted, and everything about Sirius’s actions last night told him that he wanted it too. But where is he now? And why was the hollowness that threatened to open up in Remus when he woke up alone overtaking his being as he sits here, listening to a song's lyrics that are cracking him open? His worst fears are being realized. Last night was a mistake.


	9. What Difference Does it Make?

Remus rubs at his eyelids, trying to push the sleep - or lack of sleep, depending on how you look at it - out of them. He’d spent the night drifting in and out on the couch, hoping to catch Sirius finally coming home. He’s not quite sure when he realized there was no hope of that. He lets out a heavy sigh and pulls himself up to a seat looking for the time. 6:59. His shift at the library starts in an hour. 

When he rises from the couch, his feet hitting the floor, the ground doesn’t feel steady. The sensation making him finally understand what people mean when they say that the rug was pulled out from under them. Sirius has pulled that rug.

After grabbing clothes from his room, Remus takes a shower, keeping the water on the colder side in hopes that it wakes him up. Whether that’s waking him from his lack of sleep or waking him from the loneliness he currently feels, he couldn’t tell you. And whatever temporary relief the shower may have given him is abruptly taken away by the sound of Sirius moving about the flat as Remus towels himself off. 

“Hey,” Remus says tentatively when he steps into the kitchen. 

“Hey,” Sirius echos and slides a mug of tea in Remus’s direction, frustratingly keeping his eyes averted from Remus.

“Thanks,” Remus says as he grabs it, intentionally brushing his fingers against Sirius’s. He gets no reaction. “Sirius…”

“I gotta go,” Sirius says quickly. He locks eyes with Remus for a split second, his expression unreadable, then turns and shoots out the door, his work bag slung over his shoulder.

Torn between wanting to throw his mug of tea at the door or scream, Remus chooses the latter.

“Fuck!” He yells after the door swings shut. He’s sure Sirius heard him and he doesn’t care. He’s furious with Sirius and if he’s being honest, he’s even more furious with himself. 

Rushing towards the record player in a desperate need to blow off some steam, Remus grabs what he needs. Sirius isn’t the only one who can speak through music. He pulls the record he needs out of its cardboard holder and places it on the turntable, setting the needle down on [What Difference Does it Make?](https://open.spotify.com/track/65E3ajL0Yz7kljk89Qdm6Q?si=6B5CjSNqRqunnCCGP8ZF9g) __

He turns the volume all the way up, hoping it’s loud enough to reach Sirius on the street. Remus throws the window open and peers through the curtains. He can see Sirius on the road, sitting atop his motorbike, his helmet in his hands. Remus watches Sirius drop his chin to his chest, hanging his head like the dog that he is and Remus feels smug and a bit vindicated at the gesture. 

Sirius turns and looks up at Remus in the window, his expression contrite, but it’s not enough for Remus. Remus just glares from above at his friend, years worth of pent up frustration and longing pouring out of a look. In Remus’s mind, Sirius has no right to be contrite. He knew exactly what he was doing and Remus, at this moment, has decided to make him pay for it. 


	10. So Alive

Remus locks the wide front doors of the library and turns, leaning his back against them. He looked up towards the moon rising steadily in the sky, it’s near full form moving ever so slowly away from the brightest star in the sky. Sirius. Remus rolls his eyes at the symbolism, but takes the cosmic cue anyway, and walks in the opposite direction of home.

The bright neon lights of Transfiguration catch his eyes as he walks aimlessly, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders pulled towards his ears. Normally Remus would keep walking. Saturday with Sirius was only the second time he’d ever gone in there, but tonight it was calling him in like a siren. After all, Sirius had made it clear to him earlier that Saturday night was a mistake and what better way to get over him than to play his own game. Remus opens the door and walks inside.

It’s not as crowded as it was on Saturday, but Remus isn’t really surprised, it is Monday after all and a bit early at that. However as Remus orders himself a whiskey and looks around, he notices he’s caught the attention of a few individuals. None of them hold a candle to Sirius, and that thought makes Remus furrow his brow. He quickly downs his drink and orders another one, hoping that the first put enough liquid courage into him that he can let loose and mingle a bit.

With his second whiskey in hand, Remus moves to the jukebox and places a few coins inside. He’s flipping through the song choices and feels a set of eyes on him. Letting his hair flop a bit over his forehead to shield his gaze he looks around and peers underneath his fringe. He finds the source of the eyes he could feel looking at him. It’s another man, from the looks of him he’s a few years older than Remus. He’s well dressed, similar to how Sirius used to dress. His hair is longish and more of a brown than a black. He’s tall and lanky, but not quite as filled out as Sirius. 

Remus doesn’t miss the fact that he’s mentally comparing the two. And he doesn’t necessarily care. Noncommittal trysts and hookups have worked for Sirius, surely they’ll work for Remus. Or so he hopes. Remus hits play on the song that he wants and lets [So Alive](https://open.spotify.com/track/6amZm52SfS7d6oCEu9NDMl?si=yYrd96aqS4q5EljlmIQMGg) __ play in the background.

Slowly the man across the room starts walking towards Remus and Remus tries to push all thoughts of Sirius from his mind. Whatever becomes of talking to this man is better if it’s not clouded by the shadow that is Sirius Black.

“Caradoc,” the man says extending his hand.

“Excuse me?” Remus says, not sure what to make of what the man just said. Was it his name? A Place? A sexual experience? Remus couldn’t tell.

“Caradoc,” the man said again laughing. “It’s my name.”

“Oh, sorry,” Remus apologizes while his cheeks blush. He places his palm into Caradoc’s extended hand. “Remus.”

“Well Remus, care for a dance?” Caradoc says.

“I think I would,” Remus says, a mischievous smile spreading across his lips. 


	11. Swamp Thing

The next day, Remus would like to say that he felt better, that being with another man was a good way to free him from the magnetic pull of Sirius Black. But he’d be lying if he said that. 

Caradoc had proven to be quite nice, albeit a bit boring, but he’d paid Remus his undivided attention for the rest of the evening and he was easy to look at. A bit plain, but attractive nonetheless. All of this makes the guilt that Remus is feeling more palpable, and he doesn’t even have anything to feel guilty about. It’s not like him and Sirius are together. They had one night and it doesn’t matter if it was the best night of Remus Lupin’s life. 

Remus not wanting to admit defeat - or at least more defeat than what he was already feeling - had agreed to meet Caradoc after his classes today. It was also an excuse to not have to go home again, as Remus couldn’t bear the thought of having to share space with Sirius right now. Especially if Sirius went back to his old patterns of bringing a myriad of dates around. 

Walking back into Transfiguration, Remus is pleased to see Caradoc is already waiting for him. He has claimed a spot for them at the bar, two drinks sitting in front of him. However, Remus’s pleasure is quickly put to rest when he spots Sirius at the jukebox, clearly intoxicated as he practically lounges against the machine, its sturdy square form holding Sirius up. He turns as the music begins to play, the haunting opening notes of [Swamp Thing](https://open.spotify.com/track/5O1hmfAdaFg3C4TLog8I4D?si=RIDEC0VLQ_y0qkE80Fch1g) _.  _

Sirius is bobbing his head to the music his eyes unfocused until he sees Remus across the room. A hint of a smile begins to pull at Sirius’s features and Remus’s heart flutters a bit at the thought that he put it there. Sirius looks as if he’s going to stumble towards him, and Remus is brought back into reality by Caradoc handing him a drink then bringing his other hand to Remus’s face. He brushes Remus’s cheekbone with his thumb.

Remus watches the color drain from Sirius’s face and he guiltily steps away from Caradoc’s hand just as Sirius approaches the two of them. 

“Are you coming home tonight Remus?” Sirius asks, his words slightly slurred, one of his hands grabbing onto Remus’s forearm.

“I-I’m not sure,” Remus stutters, his eyes still locked on Sirius’s even though he can feel Caradoc shifting uncomfortably beside him. 

“I’d like for you to,” Sirius says.

“I’m not really sure that’s up to you,” Caradoc interjects.

“It’s not up to you either!” Sirius barks and storms away from them both, stomping his way out the front door.

“Your boyfriend?” Caradoc questions when the door shuts.

“No,” Remus sighs. “Just my roommate.”

“Well, it’s obvious that you’d both like more than that,” Caradoc says and downs his drink. He rises from his seat and kisses Remus chastely on the cheek. “It was nice to meet you, Remus. You truly are lovely, I hope that bloke knows it.”

Remus frowns and his eyebrows knit together. He’s not sure that he’s as lovely as Caradoc thinks, or that Sirius even considers him lovely at all. He swallows what’s left of his drink as well as his pride, sighs and then heads out the door to take a slow contemplative walk home.


	12. Love Will Tear Us Apart

Walking up the steps to their flat, Remus could hear Sirius and James talking, their voices just audible in the building’s common stairway. The sound of music in the background as always. Remus sits beside the door. He knows he shouldn’t eavesdrop, but he’s just not ready to face Sirius yet and he doubts that Sirius has mentioned anything to James about what happened between them anyway. He presses his back against the wall as one song bleeds into the next, bringing  _ [Love Will Tear Us Apart](https://open.spotify.com/track/1r8oPEXqnhUVgkUkJNqEuF?si=88Dnwov8RyiqxF5kQsxePg) _ into the air.

How fitting, Remus thinks, unable to ignore the fact that what he was always afraid of with Sirius was coming true. He’d kept his feelings for Sirius a secret for so long, knowing full well that expressing those feelings was going to be his undoing. And it was proving to be worse than he had feared, the realization that not only would he lose Sirius but also James and most likely Peter as well due to the fall out of his misplaced love.

“You know, Sirius, you really fucked up this time,” James says, his voice more serious than Remus thinks he’s heard him speak before. James, who has always been caring and worry-free, actually sounds a bit put out with Sirius at this moment.

“I fucking know that James!” Sirius barks, clearly exasperated and no longer sounding as if he’s been drinking. Something must have sobered him up since Remus saw him at Transfiguration.

“Do you?” James asks earnestly. “Because you’ve only been sleeping with every willing body in London to keep yourself from admitting you love Moony for-fucking-ever.”

Remus’s eyes open wide and his heart drops through the floor. There’s no way James just said what he said or that it’s even true.

“Shut up, James.” 

“No. You’re going to listen to me about this. I honestly thought the two of you would figure it out living together. But instead, you’ve just mucked it up royally.”

“I didn’t mean to!”

“Well, you did. Where’s Moony right now?”

“Out with some bloke,” Sirius sighs. “He should be home with me.”

“No shit you arse.” Remus hears what sounds like James smacking Sirius playfully on the head. “And what have you done to show him that? I’m guessing nothing.”

“I make him breakfast,” Sirius has the nerve to sound sheepish.

“Is that before or after you shoo whoever it was that got your dick wet out the door?”

“After,” Sirius says quietly.

“And how exactly is that supposed to make Remus feel?”

“I don’t know! I just like to take care of him.”

“You have a shit way of showing it.”

There’s a pause in the conversation and Remus debates pulling himself together to face the two of them. But he’s not sure what to do with this new information. Sirius loves him, the same way that Remus loves him, he just has an awful way of showing it. Not that Remus should even be surprised by that. He takes a deep breath as he rises from the floor, his key about to slide into the lock when he hears James laugh and speak again.

“I can’t believe you make him breakfast.”

“Oh shut up, you arse,” Sirius says as Remus walks in the front door.


	13. About You

James and Sirius momentarily freeze when Remus enters the flat. He doesn’t make eye contact with either of them as he closes the door. He’s too worried that they’ll be upset with him for listening in from the other side of the door. 

“Remus, you’re home,” Sirius finally says, his voice quiet and a bit strained like he’s trying to hold something back.

Remus doesn’t say anything, he just lifts his eyes to meet Sirius and watches him visibly soften once their gazes connect. 

“I’ll just leave you boys to it,” James says while rising from his seat at the kitchen table. He practically tiptoes out of the flat, the door closing softly behind him.

“How much of that did you hear?” Sirius asks.

“Enough,” Remus says, his eyes still locked with Sirius’s.

“Enough for what?” Sirius looks like he wants to rush over, but something is holding him back, tethering him to the kitchen counter.

Remus chews his lower lip and brings a hand to run through his curls. It’s now or never he thinks. “Enough to tell you I feel the same way. I have for what feels like forever to be honest.”

“You love me?” Sirius asks, his voice still soft, his features more vulnerable than Remus has ever seen them. He tentatively steps away from the counter and Remus quickly closes the gap between them. 

“Yes, you sorry sod,” Remus says at the moment right before their lips come together. He wraps his arms around Sirius’s waste and Sirius brings his hands to cup Remus’s cheeks, keeping his head tilted back as Sirius kisses him fiercely.

“So what do we do now?” Sirius asks. It’s strange to witness him being so unsure and Remus loves him more for it.

“Well, I think we start by doing more of this.” He lifts a bit on the balls of his feet and presses their lips back together. 

The two lose themselves in the kiss, moving slowly together. Outside, they can hear the start of a late fall rainstorm pouring down and drowning out the sound of the record player moving to the next record. They hold, kiss and explore each other, love each other with  _ [About You](https://open.spotify.com/track/4hPtGqcgTpBrX0vhqQui7V?si=qPIqGU6eRFesrao6dBHlVQ) _ playing softly in the background.

“I’ve loved you for so long,” Sirius says. “And I've been nothing but an idiot.”

“Yes,” Remus agrees playfully. “But I have always loved you just the same.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Come find me on tumblr @kattlupin for the occasional bit of bonus content for this fic as I have tons of songs for them to listen to as they walk through their lives together. 💛


	14. Full Playlist

[Records With Sirius Black - full playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/mcnzb8vdxmdo26eq2l2k8juh8/playlist/4emZRwBff32cF9k9MbxZ0S?si=7KTU4lwAS-CfK3ImVyQUAQ)

Gimme Danger - The Stooges

She Sells Sanctuary - The Cult

Lullaby - The Cure

Under the Milky Way - The Church

How Soon is Now? - The Smiths 

Lips Like Sugar - Echo & the Bunnymen 

I Feel You - Depeche Mode

A Strange Kind of Love - Peter Murphy

What Difference Does it Make? - The Smiths

So Alive - Love & Rockets

Swamp Thing - The Chameleons

Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division

About You - The Jesus & Mary Chain

I Wanna Be Adored - The Stone Roses

Just Like Honey - The Jesus & Mary Chain

Loud Like Love - Placebo

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come find me on tumblr @kattlupin


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